taking control

my mentality was that im nvr ready, im nt prepared, etc
that made me strive to move on and on,
nw i have a chance to slow down the pace and steps.
hw shud i deal with life? esp when uni is coming soon

can my optimism, slightly new-found, bring me through?
or still some selfdoubt hold me back like it used to?

can my reinforced confidence shine my path?
or still some sense of insecurity clamp my courage?

i wondered a lot of things, and i dunno if i have done the correct things
yes the past week i really dunno whether i should have done what i did
or say what i said, or chose what i chose to do.
a struggle between reality and still dreaming.. no one will understand

having this "solo" mentality made me wonder time and again,
when am i finally ready, hw do i define ready anyway.
is it 'being stable'? then what is 'stable'
is it 'maturity'? what is considered 'maturity'
is it to what myself think, or is it to what others perceive as,
is it a comfortable income? is it a blooming personality?
or is it being all rounded in each aspect?
(i always thot it was that, but even then i need to know to what extent,
specifically and clear to my eyes)
i'll give myself some time to think over, and define it.]

i still have plenty to review
i need to know where i stand in each area/aspect now and in the next 3 yrs
i need to know where i can go along my path
kaos, life is troublesome if u take control of it yourself. sigh

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am i stupid to keep thinking of 'what may have been". yes that girl.
its her bday next mth. shes my 9-10/10 scale girl. definitively
ive knwn a few decent girls but few can match up with her lol.
with due respect, but they are far off mans =x
but maybe im not that standard yet so i dun deserve such a nice lady
maybe there were others around me, but i dun see them
maybe i should be the type to ask for numbers from girls
most say im stupid, i would say im just not that into them. lolx

time to work~